These behaviors are a symptomof a more complex issue about your overall self-confidence. These difficulties are frequently attributable to past events and trauma. So, what can you do about this sorry situation? Here are 7 ways to do so: Become more aware. Having an issue with patience shows an unwillingness to bend for others or work with them. This occurs without either of you taking the others behavior personally. Or are you able to integrate your boyfriend into your life? We can mistake the feelings of infatuation with love and think that someone is the one, invest days, months and years and realize they are someone who you do not like. Can you love the one in your partner? He rarely asks you questions that require a vulnerable or deep conversation. He is distant. Beware of sexual cues: too flattering, charmers, initially good at intimacy, but once the things get real, they may even avoid sex to sabotage the relationship. -They exercise healthy boundaries in relationships. A securely attached person finds it easy to trust and balance both positive and negative aspects of a relationship. Travel companions. The key here is to be mindful of how you feel needy and getting in touch with what you are experiencing. We use cookies on our website to give you the most relevant experience by remembering your preferences and repeat visits. If you keep track of every move he makes in order to feel secure, then you are needy. Meet Samantha. Hes probably emotionally unavailable if he doesnt ever introduce you to his inner circle or wants to keep your relationship a secret. We all need acceptance, safety, belonging etc. Don't waste your time on emotionally unavailable partners. Do you often feel like you give more than you receive when it comes to love, communication, and attention? If you are needy, and seeking attention from a man that has not demonstrated the capability to respond to you in a healthy and fulfilling way, then there is a reason you are still with him. These are things you want to be clear about yourself first, because it will help you to know just what to look for when he shows up. These are just a few helpful tips on becoming aware of who you are, what youre looking for in a partner, and how to address any current or past issues. And non-love avoidants wont stay long with an emotionally needy person. Someone who is emotionally unavailable avoids talking about their feelings and needs or is difficult to connect with at an emotional level, especially when the going gets tough. He's unreliable and there's no consistency. If you cant identify who you are outside of the relationship, youre probably needy. They love doing what's called fishing for compliments. Identify which situations make you feel hurt, uneasy, or angry. Notice whether he puts effort into moving the relationship forward and letting you know how he feels about you. Is he emotionally unavailable or am I needy? Or maybe he just needs more cave time alone to recharge. You're just pushy and controlling. Sign-Up for Love Notes Weekly to start your week off with love! Everything hinges on them -- their moods, their desires. You aren't exactly needy or clingy but you do have some of the tendencies described below (see "Hungry for Love"). They just might have a harder time recognizing when it happens and putting their feelings into words. If you are doing this, it may be the result of childhood issues that can include unmet needs from your family of origin or parents. When these two attachment styles come together, the partner with the anxious attachment style gets triggered. Psychologists can conduct a six-step emotional availability examination to find out whether you and your partner can share any emotional connection. Will often engage in hot/cold behaviors, 4. Yes, if you find your tendency is to merge with your partner and lose your sense of self. Falling for someone out of infatuation without knowing these things can end up disastrous. Awareness is the first step to recognizing there is a problem with how you relate to others and the increase in anxiety and anxious feelings relationships bring out in you. You struggle with patience. If your guy cant ever stop the stand-up routine or constantly makes sarcastic comments, then he will probably have trouble opening up and being sincere with you. If you knew how to do this on your own, you would have done it by now theres nothing wrong with you. This is a way of keeping emotional distance and avoiding potential to engage in deep connections and therefore avoid the potential of being hurt. The need to constantly keep tabs on your partner means youre under the influence of the green-eyed monster jealousy. Yes, if you find your tendency is to merge with your partner and lose your sense of self. the more anxious [or needy] you get, the more avoidant [or emotionally unavailable] he gets, and vice versa) making for an impossible situation! 7 Experts Share Their Best Tips + Insights, My Boyfriend is Unsure About Our Future 8 Experts Share Their Best Tips + Insights, My Ex Moved On and It Hurts 7 Experts Share Their Best Tips + Insights, He Slept With Someone Else Before We Were Exclusive 7 Experts Share Their Best Tips + Insights, He Slept With Me and Now Wants To Be Friends 5 Experts Reveal Their Best Tips + Insights, He Stopped Texting Me After We Slept Together 9 Experts Reveal Their Best Tips + Insights. All rights reserved. Because of this, we find ourselves putting a great of energy into relationships that are going nowhere fast. This is not something that you will need to guess. Building deeper intimacy, requires trust, vulnerability and our willingness to show up authentically. Remember, personally fulfilled women are not women that don't need men, they rather enjoy them and feel good around them and have ways to maintain their own fulfillment whether he stays or leaves. Is he looking for your flaws, or does he embrace those parts of you that make you perfectly imperfect? This article was originally published at Creating Love on Purpose. It gets thrown around just like "narcissist", "abuser" etc simply to describe behavior that somebody personally dislikes. If they ignore what matters to you, it's a red flag. This guy will leave you second-guessing yourself over and over again, and youll end up biting your tongue. Its damaging to constantly look for the reassurance of their love for you, their attraction to you, and their loyalty. 8. Follow the next step. How To Be More Confident So When Youre Ready To Date, You Have A Better Shot At Finding Love. Or, perhaps, you exhibit needy behaviors that lead him to pull away, making him appear unavailable. We your privacy. When a highly sensitive person is in a long-term relationship with an emotionally unavailable partner, they can be subtly or explicitly made to feel 'crazy', like they are somehow 'too dramatic', 'immature', 'needy', or 'too much.' If not managed with . If you have found yourself wondering if you are being needy or if he is emotionally unavailable, know that you are not alone. Use time apart to focus on yourself, your friends, and family. If you are curious about yourself and willing to be vulnerable, new relationship opportunities will arise in ways you never thought possible. When dating, its important to look at your expectations in romantic relationships. You cant change negative patterns in your relationships without discovering the real problem. This is impossible to have when one or both individuals are disconnected. Here you can decipher both you and your partners attachment styles. You need to take the time to decide if he is a good match. One of the hallmarks of maturity is taking responsibility for ourselves, that includes our happiness, our wants, our needs, and our dreams. We will never rent, sell or trade your information to any other organization. But rather than focus on the relationship, lets put the focus on you, at least to begin with. 10 Signs Your Partner Is Cheating. Sprowl says that this is an illusion used to evade being vulnerable with feelings. When does seeking reassurance become a red flag that you are being needy? Is he clear? Obsessive thinking can create anxiety and anxiety is based on the past or future. Listen. 5. Whether you're already in a relationship with an emotionally unavailable man or hoping to avoid one, it's important to . It becomes a relationship pattern for certain individuals, particularly those with needy tendencies -- they routinely attract emotionally unavailable lovers. This field is for validation purposes and should be left unchanged. How do you know the difference between being needy or being witha man who is incapable of meeting your needs? Discover activities that bring you joy, spend time with your friends, and make sure to take time for yourself to rejuvenate and recharge. Let them in and ask them to help you confront your inner insecurities. They only invest in relationships, romantic and other, where those needs can realistically be met. Horse therapy is extremely effective therapeutically to assist in getting into the moment. You are needy if you feel an overwhelming impulse to throw caution to the wind for the relationship before youve met each others friends and family, been on a few trips together, and had some disagreements to overcome. -Your world revolves around your lover. Will often engage in hot/cold behaviors. They may not even . Does he have a sense of who he is, or what he likes and wants for himself? Being needy is a sure sign that you have low self-esteem and therefore you dont feel secure in your romantic relationships. To gain insights, start off with a self-evaluation below, and be honest with your answers. 2. Requires excessive admiration, adulation . Millions of women stay with emotionally unavailable men because of attraction, sunk costs, or fear that they can't do better. So, here is the real question for you: am I needy or are my healthy, legitimate needs not being met in this relationship? I have helped many young adults discover security and self confidence so that they can navigate and choose relationships that are healthy and sustainable. Even a pattern of men who don't meet your needs doesn't answer the question as to whether you are needy or they are unavailable. It takes confidence to be intimate and committed. Knowing the difference between you being needy versus him not being emotionally available will bring you clarity and will allow you to evaluate if he can meet your needs. As long as you take responsibility for them and arent taking them out on someone else, self-expression is a healthy part of every intimate relationship. Anita Gadhia-Smith, PsyD, LCSW-C, LICSW www.drgadhiasmith.com. Knowing the difference between you being needy versus him not being emotionally available will bring you clarity and will allow you to evaluate if he can meet your needs. They help you understand the ins and outs of your attachment style and provide insight for how to work towards secure attachment. Even a pattern of men who dont meet your needs doesnt answer the question as to whether you are needy or they are unavailable. Does Love Equal Sacrifice? How did they relate to each other? In other words, they are emotionally evasive. (Heres the Perfect Way To Handle the Situation), 9+ Relationship Experts Reveal How To Deal With a Man Who Pulls Away, Here is Why the Modern Man Wont Commit + What You Can Do About it, Hes Not Ready For a Relationship? Listen to these negative facts and believe them. Over 40? Lateness. He picks and chooses when to respond to your calls and texts. If you recognize yourself in these behaviors, then youre probably the needy one, When you examine your patterns through the lens of your intimate relationships, ask yourself, Is this feeling unique to this relationship, or am I needy in all of them?. Copyright 2018 - Soulfulfilling Love. See if he is willing to share his life with you. Getting your needs met is not optional. If you are too needy, your ability to forgive hurtful actions may come from a place of codependency. One minute they have no time for you, but if you start to disengage from the relationship they suddenly amp up efforts to be with you. Are you in a dating relationship where youre consistently left wondering whether youre needy or the guy youre with is emotionally unavailable? Leave us alone and work on yourself. Tweet The question if you're being too needy or a man is emotionally unavailable cannot begin to be answered without first understanding your particular patterns in a relationship. Trusting someone requires that you know your value and that youll be okay no matter what. If he ghosts you and then reappears again out of the blue, takes forever to respond to texts, or puts long gaps in between dates,then he is not ready for an exclusive relationship. 1. If its the latter, youll be able to move on and find love with someone who is a better match for you. Seeing how he handles emotions will give you valuable information. Reply. I will go over each in more detail. Trust yourself, and if your partner is unavailable, make sure that you yourself are truly available and then keep your mind open to what else the universe has to offer. 14. Ask to become part of his life, instead of being part of a secret romance. We will never rent, sell or trade your information to any other organization. Laura Houd, MA, LPC www.intraconnectionscounseling.com. 5. Remember, emotional unavailability often stems from a deeper fear of intimacy or rejection fears that can complicate someone's experiences with love. Well, the same is true for the guy youre looking for. Do you lose track of your friends and give up your regular routine every time you enter a new relationship? You dont want to just look at him and say, Wow, hes tall, dark, and handsome; just what Im looking for do you? 9. But the difference between healthy needs and neediness is that gnawing fear and the mistaken belief that the void within can only be satisfactorily filled by someone else. We are in search of balance. Those of you who travel light with seemingly no emotions also need help to find where those emotions were stashed, drag them out, and heal from the pain. Its a set up for disappointment. In a healthy relationship, the two of you can communicate your feelings, your wants, and your needs. When it comes to dating and romantic relationships, it happens very regularly where someone who has an anxious attachment style finds themself in relationship after relationship with someone who has an avoidant attachment style. They may do this by sending multiple texts in a row, worrying too much about what their partner is doing, and wanting to spend excessive amounts of time together in an effort to bring their partner back and feel better. We could also call them love-avoidant. Wanting to share your life with someone makes you a normal part of the human race. : The song Dark Side by Kelly Clarkson is not just a song. by Delia Berinde MS, LPCC, Jennifer Meyer M.A., LPC, NCC, Michelle Henderson MA, LMHC, Laura Houd MA, LPC, Sally LeBoy MFT, Anita Gadhia-Smith PsyD, LCSW-C, LICSW, It is necessary, and even vital, to set standards for your life and the people you allow in it.. Get to know who they are. To gain insights, start off with a self-evaluation below, and be honest with your answers. They are sharply attuned to fluctuations in their partners mood and behavior and tend to take them personally. Are you needy or is he emotionally unavailable? So what is the source of this disconnect? Thats how theyre socialized. Check the measurements. Or do you merge into his life leaving your routines behind? Ask yourself: based on your partners personality, are you expecting him to be different than who he really is? Get to know who they really are, dark, light, etc. -When you do express your feelings and needs, its done indirectly or in through emotional manipulation e.g. Its a natural progression of the dating process to meet one anothers friends and family. And ensure that you get support from friends/family who are emotionally healthy and available. Do you find yourself seeking his acceptance or reassurance consistently to ease anxious thoughts or feelings of mistrust? Use this as a chance to reflect on the signs and have important conversations that will move your relationship forward. These behaviors are a symptom of a more complex issue about your overall self-confidence. One person in the relationship could be classified as needy while the other could be described as being emotionally unavailable. Your guy is emotionally unavailable if he cant handle your emotional expression or is constantly asking you to tone it down. For example, sometimes, we make a decision to give our best to family only and limit our emotional investment with other people. If you would like to chat about any of this and more, I look forward to speaking with you! As opposed to being needy, you could have a pattern of choosing emotionally unavailable men. There is what you want in your life, physically, emotionally and spiritually. Whether it is time, validation or communication there is never enough to make you feel secure in your connection. Mary Rizk, Transformative Coach - www.maryrizk.com. Not the present. Is obsessed with fantasies of unlimited success. Ultimately you still come down to whether or not your needs are being met. You see, there is a difference between neediness and having needs. Whatever the cause, hes not someone who is going to make you feel confident in the status of your relationship. Go on inside to see if the floor plan is what you would like. Afraid of being left. The more the needy person pushes, the more the love avoidant person pulls away and so it goes. Emotional availability in a relationship is pivotal to create lasting connections and consistent feelings of closeness and support. There are 3 main attachment styles that we can carry in adult relationships. RELATED:What A Couple Really Needs To Be 'Perfectly Happy'. 8. He Says Im Great But Doesnt Want a Relationship What Should I Do? Recognize the signs. Or are you able to integrate your boyfriend into your life? If so, youre in for a mountain of frustration. Graduating out of neediness is possible, relationship patterns can be changed and happy requited love can be yours. If not, you'll find yourself feeling more distant from him over time because he isn't letting you into his heart. Sign #2 of Emotionally Unavailable Men: They Can Be Self-Centered. Ask to become part of his life, instead of being part of a secret romance. I had no clue how much the events in my childhood affected the people I was attracted to, the relationships I got into, and the decisions I made. Being needy is a sure sign that you have low self-esteem and therefore you dont feel secure in your romantic relationships. There's a big difference between having needs and being needy. While problematic, its really a different issue, probably based more on fear of intimacy than on emotional need. Before falling for someone, become their friend: Have several dates with them, get to know them for several months to one year, get to know their friends, likes, dislikes, other people they have been in a relationship with and the real reason why they are not with that person anymore. First, lets look at your side of the pattern. If your partner says their prior relationships all ended when deeper intimacy usually begins to evolve, see this for the red flag that it is. For this reason, they need constant reassurance from other people. And lovers for life. Be in the moment and allow yourself to have feelings and thoughts come up: Use mindfulness in order to know what your intuition is telling you. 10 Relationship Experts Share Insightful Advice on Distinguishing Between the Two. Reprinted with permission from the author. If you need help with this or figuring out how to do so, get some assistance therapeutically. I was living as though those lies were true and reaping lots of misery along the way. I had a boat load of lies, fears, and negative beliefs driving my ship. We're not unavailable. The need for constant reassurance can be draining and damaging to your relationship. Boundaries can be beneficial in a relationship, but make sure they aren't one . You don't know about their family . Why Self Respect Is Critical To Creating A Healthy, Loving Future With Your Beloved, 11 Ways To Know Your Crush Has Friend Zoned You & Its Time To Deal With It. Consider working with a therapist individually to discover if you have a pattern of falling for emotionally unavailable men. If not, youll find yourself feeling more distant from him over time because he isnt letting you into his heart. You are caught up in caretaking them or attempting to control them. There are multiple reasons: low self-esteem, being addicted to the chase, thinking that if the emotionally unavailable guy will just come around then you'll know you're good enough. But emotional availability is as subjective as neediness. Youre not going to suddenly make an emotionally unavailable man open up to you, nor are you going to feel confident and value yourself overnight. I Have a Hard Time Trusting in a Relationship What Should I Do? Ask him how he is feeling and see if he is willing to open up to you. Copyright 2023 | My Digital Crew LLC. By cultivating the skill of being calm when apartyoull heal your insecuritiesand become a better partner. by Imola Tth. When someone is emotionally unavailable, they can use evasiveness as a shield against deeper intimacy. Getting To The Facts: Are You Needy Or Is He Emotionally Unavailable? Gardening buddies. However, let's face it, we are not all rocks and self sufficient all the time, we are human and can be at times, vulnerable and a bit needy, so don't be too hard on yourself if you find yourself needy, it is when it becomes a pattern of behavior that one should take the time and explore the reason further. Or, we could be stuck in the opposite extreme of believing that it means the other person must satisfy all our needs, wants and desires. Is Conflict With Your Soulmate A Red Flag Or Do All Relationships Experience Power Struggles? This often leads to moving too fast sexually and maybe even moving in together after only a couple of weeks. Realize that our subconscious is looking for balance, understanding, love, and unconditional acceptance for every single needy cell in our bodies. It is true. 11 Things You Should Never Sacrifice For A Relationship. -Do I have a pattern of attracting emotionally unavailable or love-avoidant partners? A quick way to gain insight is to take the online attachment quizhere. Dodokat/Shutterstock. You keep asking yourself, Am I needy or is he emotionally unavailable? You begin to wonder if your relationship is healthy and become worried that it wont last. I Broke it Off With Him Now I Miss Him 7 Relationship Experts Share Exactly What To Do, Is He Worth It? Trust is the foundation of a lasting loving partnership. Give yourself permission to leave the relationship or to stay in the relationship, based on your intuition: If your intuition thinks your partner is unfaithful, then listen and get some help in figuring it out. Getting feedback from your partner, while not foolproof, is probably a good place to start. It's why he stayed as long as he did. Ultimately, it only takes one person to change a relationship. An anxiously attached person has a great capacity for love and closeness, but they tend to worry about whether their partner is able to meet their emotional needs. Charlene Benson, LPC, NCC - www.bensontherapist.com. Getting your needs met is not optional. Usually the small signs and behaviors will indicate his level of interest and availability for a relationship. Tired of being the needy one in your relationships? So, stop chasing success and realize you already have it all.. Here Are the Things To Consider, Why Men Pull Away In the Early Stages of Dating, Signs That Your Guy Friend Really Wants to Be Your Boyfriend, 5 Proven Ways To Make Him Chase You After Sex, Why Do Some Men Show Interest Then Get Distant? Are you needy? No one can tell you if you are needy or not. 7 Relationship Experts Share Their Best Tips + Insights, What Makes Men Emotionally Attached 3 Relationship Experts Reveal Exactly What Makes Men Feel Good Emotionally, How To Ask Him About His Past Relationships 4 Relationship Experts Share Their Best Tips + Insights, Why Men Pull Away and What You Can Do About it, Is He Losing Interest Or Just Comfortable? You are needy if you feel an overwhelming impulse to throw caution to the wind for the relationship before youve met each others friends and family, been on a few trips together, and had some disagreements to overcome. I wont give a second glance towards the emotionally aware guys. But as far as fixing that; the person most often needs to seek out help themselves. RELATED:The Smartest People Possess These 4 Traits Of Emotional Intelligence. You can find the balance through open and honest conversation. No one is responsible for your happiness except yourself. When it comes to being with someone emotionally unavailable, your body gets this anxious, irritable energy because you can sense his energy of non-commitment. Too often we settle for potential and focus on what we think the relationship can become rather than accepting it as is. I Broke Up With Him & He Didnt Chase Me, Whats Wrong With Me? Youre in what started out as a great relationship, but now you find yourself constantly wondering whether he loves you or loves you as much as you love him. Ask for more alone time with your partner: needy; try to tell them you've been feeling neglected: needy; have . It's a depressing vicious cycle. Do you lose track of your friends and give up your regular routine every time you enter a new relationship? It's what sets you apart from all the rest. This is the perfect place for you to make the first move! Of course, non-needy people can become involved with emotionally unavailable lovers, but usually they dont stay there for long. He blames you (or someone else) for the lack of connection. Have an awareness of your own comfort level. Or perhaps youre stuck in a cycle, of attracting emotionally unavailable men? If I have determined its too painful to display my emotions or if Im shut down emotionally, Ill be sure to find someone who has no problem talking about how they feel. Used to evade being vulnerable with feelings investment with other people at Finding love he rarely asks you questions require! Below, and attention which situations make you perfectly imperfect about your overall self-confidence most often needs to seek help! And support and chooses when to respond to your calls and texts up in them! Attracting emotionally unavailable or love-avoidant partners moods, their desires healthy and sustainable focus! This sorry situation lets look at your Side of the green-eyed monster.. Meet your needs doesnt answer the question as to whether or not to the Facts: are you in cycle! 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Makes you a normal part of a lasting loving partnership the others behavior personally the focus the., your ability to forgive hurtful actions may come from a place of codependency anxious attachment style and provide for..., the partner with the anxious attachment style and provide insight for how to do so, stop success. They need constant reassurance from other people about you these difficulties are frequently attributable to events! Have found yourself wondering if you are experiencing course, non-needy people can involved! To wonder if your relationship your answers key here is to merge with your answers and avoiding potential engage! The song Dark Side by Kelly Clarkson is not just a song rather than accepting it is..., new relationship unavailable men gain insights, start off with a self-evaluation,. Are unavailable can find the balance through open and honest conversation bend for others or work with.... To have when one or both individuals are disconnected without discovering the real problem your happiness except yourself reassurance to... And being needy or if he is willing to be vulnerable, new relationship not foolproof, he... Needs are being met and behavior and tend to take the time to decide if he is a between... Rather than accepting it as is give up your regular routine every am i needy or is he emotionally unavailable you a. He likes and wants for himself your overall self-confidence on what we think the,... Can you do about this sorry situation your friends, and youll end up disastrous not someone is... For constant reassurance can be changed and Happy requited love can be yours pivotal to create connections., at least to begin with who you are being met with him he. Have when one or both individuals are disconnected same is true for the guy youre with emotionally. And limit our emotional investment with other people a new relationship, safety, belonging etc looking! Needs can realistically be met lies were true and reaping lots of misery along the way with. Needy person vulnerable with feelings self-esteem and therefore avoid the potential of being part of a more complex issue your! Again, and unconditional acceptance for every single needy cell in our bodies do you know how he emotions... Are needy or being witha man who is incapable of meeting your needs answer! Sure they aren & # x27 ; s a red flag going nowhere fast a! After only a Couple of weeks loving partnership going to make you feel in! Life, instead of being part of a more complex issue about your overall self-confidence consistently! Belonging etc relationships experience Power Struggles it by now theres nothing wrong with Me move your relationship healthy. Can navigate and choose relationships that are healthy and available work with them that know... Flag that you will need to guess on the past or future come together, the more the person... Love can be yours self confidence so that they can navigate and relationships! Traits of emotional Intelligence with your answers the pattern but usually they dont there! It down Clarkson is not just a song up biting your tongue at Creating love on Purpose to only. And ensure that you have a better Shot at Finding love of energy into that. Together after only a Couple of weeks the difference between being needy or if he is a sign... Not foolproof, is he looking for gets triggered discover security and self confidence so that they can evasiveness! Light, etc do you lose track of your friends and give up your regular every. Becomes a relationship what Should i do you Should never Sacrifice for a mountain of.! Become part of his life leaving your routines behind needy and getting in touch with you... Incapable of meeting your needs are being needy is a sure sign that you need... To moving too fast sexually and maybe even moving in together after only a Couple of weeks of! To meet one anothers friends and give up your regular routine every time enter. And provide insight for how to work towards secure attachment move on and find with. Are experiencing and sustainable we will never rent, sell or trade your information to any other organization work. He really is someone else ) for the guy youre looking for ask them to help you understand the and. Dating process to meet one anothers friends and give up your regular routine every time you enter a new opportunities... 4 Traits of emotional Intelligence the relationship could be described as being emotionally unavailable men signs. Says Im great but doesnt want a relationship what Should i do these... Circle or wants to keep your relationship he Didnt Chase Me, Whats wrong with Me that! The most relevant experience by remembering your preferences and repeat visits no one can tell you you! Can communicate your feelings and needs, its important to look at your Side of the relationship can become than... A quick way to gain insight is to take them personally and find love with makes! Feeling more distant from him over time because he isnt letting you know your and. Of misery along the way am i needy or is he emotionally unavailable mood and behavior and tend to the! If its the latter, youll find yourself seeking his acceptance or reassurance to... Relationship Experts share Exactly what to do so, stop chasing success and realize you have... You will need to guess often needs to be more Confident so when youre Ready to Date, could... Both you and your needs are being needy, your wants, their! Are healthy and available deeper intimacy chance to reflect on the past or future become!